My father never had to punish me because he instilled in me a fear of his intense anger. I did everything possible to avoid his rage, hence, I was a “good girl.” He was a typical man in this way, exhibiting a quality of his socialized gender -- male rage. It is, unfortunately, a gender norm. Men have so much anger, so much hostility. No wonder there is beaucoup tension, violence and war in this world. I have often wondered why this is. I found some answers in Bell Hooks’ book, The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, And Love. She writes it basically comes from two things:
1. The social identity of a male in our patriarchal society is to be dominant, an aggressor. They are conditioned to be “strong,” to fight, to use their force and might physically and energetically. If you can’t live up to these expectations and you're male, you’re considered a wuss, weak, not a “man.”
2. The other quality men are socialized to be is stoic and repress their feelings. Men are not supposed to show their feelings, let alone have the difficult ones that need to be processed, like sadness, hurt, vulnerability, trauma, etc. The adage “big boys don’t cry” has taught men to repress and suppress these thorny feelings. But, as another great book’s title says, “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” Instead, they boil beneath the service until they finally explode to let off steam, resulting in hostility and violence.
When your spouse or significant other is a man, there’s a good chance you have had to deal with your partner’s anger. And if not your partner’s, perhaps some other man in your life. I used to take my husband's anger really personally. Now I realize, I’m not alone. It’s a societal problem. Not only do we have to deal with it in our personal lives, we have been the brunt of male hostility since the beginning of patriarchy, from domestic abuse, femicide, rape, war, etc. for thousands of years. This conditioning reinforces toxic masculinity and hinders emotional growth.
What can we do about it?
Here is a great article about male anger including the 12 signs a man has an anger problem, how it impacts relationships, how to cope with a man who has anger issues and how to treat it. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/signs-a-man-has-anger-issues/
Have you experienced male anger in your life? Please share in the comments.
1. The social identity of a male in our patriarchal society is to be dominant, an aggressor. They are conditioned to be “strong,” to fight, to use their force and might physically and energetically. If you can’t live up to these expectations and you're male, you’re considered a wuss, weak, not a “man.”
2. The other quality men are socialized to be is stoic and repress their feelings. Men are not supposed to show their feelings, let alone have the difficult ones that need to be processed, like sadness, hurt, vulnerability, trauma, etc. The adage “big boys don’t cry” has taught men to repress and suppress these thorny feelings. But, as another great book’s title says, “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” Instead, they boil beneath the service until they finally explode to let off steam, resulting in hostility and violence.
When your spouse or significant other is a man, there’s a good chance you have had to deal with your partner’s anger. And if not your partner’s, perhaps some other man in your life. I used to take my husband's anger really personally. Now I realize, I’m not alone. It’s a societal problem. Not only do we have to deal with it in our personal lives, we have been the brunt of male hostility since the beginning of patriarchy, from domestic abuse, femicide, rape, war, etc. for thousands of years. This conditioning reinforces toxic masculinity and hinders emotional growth.
What can we do about it?
- Recognize it for what it is. Stop taking it personally.
- Talk to the men in your life about it so that they can become more self-aware. Encourage emotional expression and empathy in men.
- Teach our children about it and ask your baby’s daddy to model better behavior for your children.
- Be there for women who want to get out of an abusive relationship.
- If you are in an abusive relationship, please do whatever it takes to get out. There is a national hotline you can text and/or call: Text BEGIN to 88788, call 800-799-7233
Here is a great article about male anger including the 12 signs a man has an anger problem, how it impacts relationships, how to cope with a man who has anger issues and how to treat it. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/signs-a-man-has-anger-issues/
Have you experienced male anger in your life? Please share in the comments.
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